they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
They are going to name an STD after you.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
