Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
