Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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