Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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