just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you mean i was at the winter classic?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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