So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
