oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
