Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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