There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
