Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
