Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I met the friendliest cop last night
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Dear god my vagina.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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