Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Randomize
