I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
