he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
