she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
