yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
there is glitter all over my balls
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
