Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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