you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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