ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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