I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
