Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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