I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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