I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Sext me about skeletons
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize