My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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