In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
