So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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