i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
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