just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
