woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Vodka?
Forever.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
