My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
