So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
