it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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