I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
