lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I wish you could order shots online.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
