I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
