Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
