Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
