I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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