so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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