I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
