i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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