I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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