my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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