i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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