Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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