FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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