Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
