she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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