I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
