My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's shark week go big or go home
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
