Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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