he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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