I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
