I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
