I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
