i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
