Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize