So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
