Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
