I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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